Stagnant

I had an epiphonetic moment this morning. I was thinking about how hard it is to move forward when you want to move forward but you can’t move. Or at least you feel like you can’t move. Like being under anesthesia, being fully awake and not in control of any of your faculties. You can see everything going on around you. Life, people, comparison, all moving at what looks like the speed of life while you lay motionless and unable to participate. It’s not that you don’t want to. you desperately want to. you want to be put in the game and you want to run the ball as far as you can get it. But your benched. Its hard thing to swallow when you know you should, and you beat yourself up constantly because you aren’t moving forward, you haven’t done this… and you’re not there yet. You’re here. Doing absolutely nothing. Spectating at your own life and the lives of others. Comparison is the silent killer in these moments. Not only must you contend with yourself, and your own thought, you have to deal with what seems like the reality that life and everyone else are passing you by.

Then there’s the cry for help. We’re not even in touch with what’s really going on with us, so we ask for help the same ways that we always have. Attention seeking. Self -loathing and miserable Facebook posts that suggest that no one cares about you. Some even point blank say – you don’t care about me. But when the people come and they look, and they share the concern – you have nothing to say. You can’t even tell them what’s wrong and where to start. Because the fact of the matter is, you’ve always been here. And in this moment, neither one of us knows me and what’s wrong with me. Go figure.

The saddest thing for me is. The constant thought process. I’ve always been a thinker, I overthink. It’s probably ruining and saving my life all at the same time. But to have these logical thoughts, to be able to logically reason and understand what is happening. To take in the precepts and the concepts of whom Jesus Christ is and what role He plays in all this mess — to be able to spout out some of the most poignant, piercing realizations about this process and what it all means. Things that help other people go the distance. Things that help other people feel they’re not only not alone, but understood. Hope for tomorrow. And it means absolutely nothing for you. You can’t even speak that same word over yourself and it mean a thing.

N O T H I N G . What does it mean when The Lord uses you to speak to your own situation and your situation won’t receive it? When you’re completely numb to it. When it hits others and changes the atmosphere immediately. When the thought processes start to change. And it resonates with you on an intellectual level but does nothing for the inner recesses of your soul; the darkest parts of you that hurt the most.

it’s scary to think that you may never totally be free. Never out of the woods for good. That depression is something that goes into remission and rears its ugly head whenever it so chooses. That life will forever encompass this disease, this issue, this dark cloud. && For the rest of your life, all you can do is try and prepare for the rain.

Mask Off

I’ve learned that mask we often wear to hide portions of ourselves and our lives is more of a prison for ourselves than protection from ridicule and pain at the hands of others… When we wear a mask, no one is able to get to know, care for, and love the real us… So when the real US shows up – whether it inability to hide it because it’s spilling over, or we’re tired of keeping up the facade; the people that we love have a hard time supporting, relating, and helping us because they don’t know us in that space…they aren’t sure how to support this version of us because they’ve never been privileged to know it. And this leaves us vulnerable and alone, which many of us fear the most. Isn’t it ironic that we put up all these walls and barriers to protect ourselves from the heartbreak of being abandoned and being seen for whom and what we really are… Only to be equally if not more heartbroken because we end up abandoned and heartbroken through our own protective measures when the real us decides to show up?

April The Giraffe

Sometimes we can see all that God has endowed a person with, and all the amazing things they will do once they “walk in their calling,” or submit to the process and give birth to that thing that the people and the world need, that we get frustrated with them! We even get frustrated when it’s us that is reluctant or stagnant in the birthing process! But apparently everything is a process and most have a definitive beginning and a definite end – and there’s no other way around BUT to trust the process. Case in point, April The Giraffe {Duh!} many folks have been waiting, watching, and frustrated because of all the times that the biology predicted she’d be in labor – there was no baby. And every day she got closer was the supposed day… And everyday folks got more frustrated. Mind you, April is the one in the birthing process, she was Chillin.. It was ‘man’ that has rushed her process. Apparently, today is the day she will give birth…and just think from the time she was speculated to actually give birth until now – how premature that birth would’ve been. Moral of the story… If God has begun something in you that you will birth, let no man rush – let no fear hinder- let not timetable other than God’s be your focus. Trust the process.

I haven’t watched or cared about the giraffe one way or the other, but this word is definitely for me 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤔

Caught In Between The Two.

Why does getting involved in a person’s situation automatically equate to trying to save or fix a person? Who said this, and what is the notion behind the thought? Has it become so customary to ignore what others are going through and press toward our own mark that we are expected to turn a blind eye to the actual lives of other people? So much so, that when you get involved or try to help, you’re automatically considered to be doing too much? That you are constantly reminded that you can’t “fix” anybody and you can’t save the world, and certainly you can’t save them all… How did we get here, and how did I get trapped in between the two?

I feel an immeasurable amount of guilt every time my heart says go, because I hear in my ears, “you can’t fix her..” When in reality, I believe I am quite clear that I can’t fix anybody. I don’t have what it takes to even fix myself, so how dare I believe or even think that I can fix another human being. I whole heartedly believe that only God is in the fixing business… of course he doesn’t quite use the word ‘fix’ to describe what it is that only He can do. He heals, He Restores, He brings and gives life, He does all of those things.. But I’ve never once heard the Bible say He fixed anything.

Never the less, I am always caught between the two.

I don’t know what it means to want better and more for someone else more so than you do for yourself. I don’t know that it’s normal, or that I should even care that it is. Maybe it’s one of those things that if I pour myself out to be used by God, He will in turn come and take care of all my business. So, does it matter that I want people to do and be things that I can’t even imagine about myself? As long as God’s people are being ministered to, experiencing the love of Christ and are being helped, does it really matter? I can’t quite explain the feeling that I have but it is so immediate and so overwhelming that it makes me emotional when I can’t do. I know it’s easier to do in the name of The Lord than it is to wait on The Lord.. But I often wonder, doesn’t this thing that I have come from The Lord?

You may not know me, but I certainly no me and one of my less flattering characteristics is my innate ability to be selfish. I am an only child, so it’s quite easy for me! And even in all my growth, I see subtle signs of selfishness in most of the things that I do. Even down to when I am having contemplative thought processes to myself or just have a lot on my mind. There are days my thoughts are so consuming that I can walk right past you, not speak and not think twice about it. Selfish. Rude. Some days I have to check the motives in my heart because they don’t always feel like they’re in the right place. Selfish. Sometimes I just don’t feel like being bothered, and I don’t rejoice with those that are rejoicing. Shoot. Sometimes I’m down right envious, and it takes me a minute to get to the rejoicing part. And more often than not, I spend so much time comparing this, this, and this about me with that, that, that of someone else, I can hardly see anything amazing going on inside of me. Knowing all of these things about myself, I then wonder where the desire to be involved, help, or push someone else to a better situation comes from. It must come from God because nothing inside of me is that good or that selfless to do so. Impossible!

You’re probably thinking like me, as I just stated that sometimes I have to check my motives and it is quite possible that serving others could be a way to exalt myself – especially on the days that I am feeling less than excited about who and what I am or have become. I could totally see that, and I would think the same thing. But more often than not, it doesn’t even matter to me. The premise is this. I’m so used to not receiving or not allowing myself to receive, that it doesn’t even matter anymore what or how much if anything I do for anyone because I never expect anything in return, let alone anything in-kind. That’s not the important thing to me.

The most important thing to me is growth. Because if I could fix something for someone else, they could easily break it again. However, when a person is growing and changing, more often than not; they’re more likely to continue pressing forward. That’s not to say they won’t go back. I mean, we all sing the song, but we’ve all found ourselves going back at some point in our lives. It is what it is. But I just think it’s important to stretch beyond what we are comfortable with and push for some of the things we thought we’d never have because we’re too afraid to try. I always think to myself, how can anyone ever get a leg up or move forward if they’re never given the opportunity to start? For some people, it takes a lot of assistance to start..but once they realize they are capable of doing it themselves with the love and encouragement of someone that believes in them even more than they believe in themselves, progress is sure to be made. Change happens. Everyone is capable of change and living a better life. But it requires moving forward, past, and through the fear it takes to get to the other side. People have a lot of baggage. There are lots of things that prevent us from moving forward, but it takes time to work through some of that stuff. And sometimes, you need someone to walk with you through some of that stuff.

Granted. We’re all super busy and have a lot going on in our own lives. And we let the enemy trick us into believing that we aren’t equipped to help someone else because of our own messes. But that’s not how God works. Actually, I see God all up in the entire process. Which brings me back to my question, is it the world and jaded people saying we can’t fix someone else.. or is just a misunderstanding. Fix you, no.. not interested in that. Love you in a way that allows you to accept and love yourself the way Christ loves you – absolutely. It boggles my mind the things people are dealing with these days. There’s always someone going through, struggling with more than what we are and yet we are so wrapped up in our own stuff and way of being that it’s almost shocking when someone does care about us. When someone loves us despite our mess. When someone goes above and beyond just because they love us, care about us, want better for us. I’m almost positive this is the Love that Christ shows the Church. I could be wrong, but love like that doesn’t just exist amongst man without Christ as the catalyst. We’re too selfish in our nature to lay aside the weights and burdens that cause us to sin, to truly love another person the way Christ did – without Christ being involved.

I don’t know. I could be wrong.

Caught in between the two.

Dear Younger Self..

Dear Ashley,

You are unsure about who you are, and are constantly searching for a principle, or belief to stand on that gives you purpose, power, and something to validate your worth. The truth is, that you have no idea who you are and you’re not supposed to have all of that figured out right now. However, there have been so many voices pouring in, tearing out, and destroying your innocent foundation; it will be y e a r s before you even get close to being real. Other kids get the opportunity to be shaped, and molded into whom they are supposed to be by positive experiences and loving words that sit well on the inside and make you think to yourself, “this really is me.” However, that does not exist for you. And as much as it hurts to tell you this, it never will. It won’t be until you find Jesus that you even begin to open your mind to the possibility that all the words that have been used to describe you, all the labels that you have adjusted to fit, don’t belong to you. They were never yours, but you never had anyone paying close enough attention to notice the lies about yourself that were being sewn, and by the time anyone could recognize that you had watered these lies to reap a plush garden of false confidence, obnoxious arrogance that avoids criticism and pain; you were too far gone.

You are at a place in your life that even if there were someone to pour into your life and change your mind about who you are, they wouldn’t be able to help you. Every day you shape yourself into what you think is acceptable, and who you think you should be. You are about to spend your life trying to disprove the things that have been said about you with a flippant attitude, doing and saying only what you want to do. Your perspective, perception, and opinions are harsh, arrogant, and judgmental and you will be known as the black sheep, outspoken, blunt girl. I need you to know that while people are seemingly accepting of this, it is only to spare themselves of your wrath. You are so angry, and that anger just covers up the kind of hurt that runs back to the beginning. I do know this. You are going to spend so much time believing that you raised yourself this way, and that you are responsible for this. The truth of the matter is, you needed someone and no one was there for you. There were a lot of people in your life, a lot of adults and influences standing around, but none of them were paying attention. No one took the time to instruct your heart, to guide your thoughts, and show you a path that you could follow that would one day lead to your true self. Even though you don’t see it this way, you will spend a large chunk of your life struggling with this. There was no one there to protect you, but in your own way you have decided it’s your obligation to protect everyone else. Please hear me when I say this: it is not your responsibility to protect the people that did not protect you. Your truth is your truth, and down playing, hiding it, or being ashamed of it does not work. All of the things that you hide, the feelings that you have, the experiences that you are ashamed of; hiding and ignoring them doesn’t keep things together, it simply tears you apart while everyone else continues to live.

And just to address the people that didn’t care enough about you… those people have issues! And they are not yours. You are an innocent victim to the crazy of some crazy folk. As 15 years your senior, I want you to know that though I wish things were different for you now, you are a ‘G’ for enduring what you did. And your heart is in the right place for surely, however you are a child and should stay in a child’s place. And for the record, the way that your babysitter treats you- yeah that’s not normal, that’s not “just how she is”.. she has been abusing you for years. Yeah, I know you like to down play that part, but if we call a thing a thing, she’s been verbally and emotionally abusing you since you were five years old. And while you know you have a smart mouth and can work a nerve, you do not and did not deserve to be treated that way. Yes, having her as the person that watches you after school is beneficial to your mother, but it’s not your responsibility to be treated like that because your mom couldn’t or can’t find somewhere else affordable for you to be after school. Honestly, it’s not worth the pain and if you would give your mom a chance to fix it, you will find out that contrary to your beliefs, she would choose you over the struggle that would be to come if you just spoke up. And while there is just way too much to cover in this letter, let me say this about her: It is not okay for a white woman to call you her “little black child,” among her white grandchildren, it is not okay for her to make you feel bad about your home life and relationship with your mother, it is not okay for her to take her frustrations out on you, it is not okay for her to make you wear a bib at the dinner table because she feels you are a messy eater, it is not okay for her to embarrass you by making you eat out of a sectioned children’s plate because she doesn’t like that you don’t like your food to touch, and it is not okay for her to put you on a diet, or on a scale and constantly critique your weight, and it was absolutely not okay for her to allow her children or grandchildren to harm you, and that day she slapped you and called you a bitch was absolutely unacceptable behavior. No matter how grown you think you are, you are a child!! And you have the right to be treated with respect despite your age. All of these things are not okay. Do not continue on as if this is normal, this is not normal! I Couldn’t admonish you more, say something. Anything.

Even though you appear to be resilient, and tough on the outside; you are broken and in shambles on the inside. You have a lot of fear of losing the comfortable things, the things that you consider to be stable in your life. Truth is Ash, even the things that you are holding onto for stability, are broken. They are just markers of your day to day life posing as some semblance of stable normality. These things are false. And while I wish I could tell you not be afraid, some very scary things have already happened to you. Things you never dreamt would come to pass. It’s hard not to feel afraid of what is to come next. You are so damaged from the losses that you have experienced thus far, you are living in fear of the next shoe to drop and which carpet will be pulled out from under you next. Because your fears are valid, I admonish you to just feel them. Don’t spend so much time trying to avoid the fears that you exist through terrible times numb. Truth is, you’re not numb. You feel everything even when you convince yourself you are unbothered. Oh baby, you are more than unbothered. You are coming apart at the seams.

Because tomorrow is not promised, and you cannot change the past, there are some very important things I must tell you that could change the course of your entire life. See, you are about to spend a good ten to twelve years harboring a hate in your heart that is absolutely going to do nothing but destroy you. So let me say this first, the feelings you have toward your father do absolutely nothing but keep you angry. And as I write this to you, I wish I had more concrete facts to share with you about why things happened the way they did. This is the ONLY thing I could come up with. And while it may not be enough for you in this moment, it will deliver you when you get there. The facts of this matter are this: Some people cannot play the roles that they signed up for. They simply are unequipped for the responsibility, and because of this there will be casualties and what feels like fatalities, but we will all be stronger for it in the end. The only thing that I have learned about your father is that he is not equipped to be a father. And I can hear you now going off about exactly who’s fault that is because you are right, you did not choose to be here, and you didn’t choose him for your mother. You are absolutely right! However, he cannot emulate, mimic, or follow in the footsteps of something he never had. People need examples to follow, and unfortunately your father did not have that. See, ironically enough, your Grandfather left your Grandmother and your father without his dad. It was one of, if not the most devastating things to happen in his life. Sound familiar? Following this broken relationship, your dad was extremely hurt but, more angry than anything. That night you heard he and your mom speaking about the shambles that there marriage was in, and you walked through room and he said “ that’s the best thing I ever did, and I did the same thing to her that he did to me..” He really meant that. You are the best thing that he ever did. And while He will absolutely never say this to you, you are the greatest accomplishment of his life. He would say because you’re a good kid, and you stay out of trouble. I want you to know that you are the greatest accomplishment of his life, because he didn’t destroy you. His actions hurt you, broke you, stole your family and completely altered the course of your life. Yes. These things happened. However, you can’t see it now, but you will survive all of these things. It didn’t drive you nearly as crazy as it seems like it is now, and as dark and dreary as the space in your heart feels, it will draw you to a light that will change your life and what you believe your heart is really capable of.

And while I have you, you have to cut your mother some slack. I’m not sure if you watched too much Cosby show or full house when you were younger, but you have some very concrete ideas about what family looks like, and what roles a person is supposed to play. You have developed a life ruining expectation known as the “supposed to be’s,” And by now you have already come to the harsh realization that your mother is not a super hero. She isn’t. And I know you found that out in a very devastating way. But Ash, no one is a super hero. She could be your personal hero if you like, but she’s human just like everyone else. You really haven’t had that many examples, of an up close and personal view of what love is, and what it looks like. However, your momma loves your daddy. And when they separated, it really broke your mom. Understand that all of these things took her by surprise just as they did you. Your expectations of her are outlandish and impossible to live up to. I’ll grant you grace in that, you have no idea what it truly means to love another person other than yourself. But what you are feeling and your behavior towards her is absolutely unacceptable. So for this matter, you need to get your life! As devastated as you think you are, you need to take the time to put yourself in her shoes and consider how she must feel. And as hard as it is for you to see her like this, she’s a big girl. It is absolutely not your responsibility to be strong for her as she goes through the dissolution of her marriage. That is her marriage and she should grieve it as such. And you should grieve it as well. However, stopping your process and trying to be strong for her too is only damaging you. Where you see your mom today, she won’t be always. She’s going to work through it, and seemingly be okay and move on. But by the time she’s there, you will have spent so much time in secrecy, and hiding that your world will be so convoluted, you won’t even have a clue what is real and what is fake.

Ash, your convoluted world of secrets and lies are killing you. They are holding your life hostage. And I know you’re only doing what you think you have to do to live with the person you think you are, and the things that you’ve been through, but it’s just not worth it. When you’re hurt, be hurt, and when you’re ashamed, be ashamed. Live your truth and feel how you feel. I can’t stress that enough. Feel how you feel. It’s going to save your life when you’re older. Seriously. You are about to spend so much time trying to survive, that you will not live. You will not thrive, you will exist with moments of extremely rewarding happiness, and once in a lifetime experiences strewn in the midst. This is what your life is becoming. Oh, one other very important thing I need to tell you. Being devastated, upset, hurt, and or broken does not make you weak. Your mother is not weak because she feels the way that she does. She’s human, she’s hurt, and rightfully so. So instead of running with the notion that emotions make you weak and that you must be strong to survive, not to be cliché..but try a little tenderness. And that day that Mrs. Avery pulls you into her classroom and asks you what’s wrong, you better tell her! She’s genuinely concerned about you, and the fact that you are two steps passed the edge, and the other side isn’t looking too good for you. When she gets angry because you won’t tell her what’s going on, know that that’s what you’ve been looking for the entire time. Someone to care. And not because you’ve done anything for attention, not because you are desperately seeking someone to, but because she just really cares about you. The person. The person that she sees you to be. Speak up girl!! This could be your out!!

Judging by the tone of this letter, you might think that I agree with you in that there is so much stuff wrong with you. But! I want you to know that underneath all of that, there is so much that is right with you, and I don’t want you to ever lose that!! For instance, you love to make people feel loved, and special, and you love folks down to the core – for everything they are, and even more for the things they are not. You do things for people, that you wish people would do or would’ve done for you because you know how happy, special, and cherished it makes a person feel. I can’t even say to this day that you are wrong or right for this. I know you get a special joy out of doing this for people, because in the back of your mind that’s your version of receiving it. It’s like, if you can’t receive it, what better way to get close to it than be the giver of it. Please don’t lose this quality. Even after all you’ve endured and put yourself through, you have such a big heart. Your motives will always be questioned, and people will try to make you feel bad about your disposition by putting alternate meanings, and implications on your love for others, and the way that you show it. You can’t see it now, and I’m telling you now, a lot of people won’t even try to understand it. But, you love the way Jesus loves. It’s unconventional, it doesn’t make sense to everyone, and people just don’t get it. But the best thing about it is, that the one it is designed for, understands it. It’s not about everyone else’s opinions of you, or what it is that you do, or even why you do it. Jesus had people to criticize Him every single time He did something or was with someone they didn’t think He should be with, or treat as such. Do not be dismayed. Your way of loving, your way of caring for people, your way of uplifting is ministry. And even as I share this with you now, I’m not sure when it will click like that for you in your mind, but do not be disheartened or turned around be the opinions of others. Truth of the matter is, every person that has mocked or spoken ill towards the way that you love and your personal ministry, simply wishes that they had someone in their life to love and support them the way that you do. Pray for those people. They don’t have to agree, and you don’t need their permission to exercise your heart in the way that God has called you to.

Speaking of Him, I know that you have recently gotten reacquainted with Him. I admonish you to stay right there with Him! While you haven’t been able to wrap your mind around all of your experiences and your life thus far, He’s holding it and you in the palm of His hand. Every single experience, feeling, circumstance, even happenstance has been a part of His plan. I admonish you to believe this. However, whether you believe it or not, it’s the truth. You can either choose to hold on to this fact and allow it to give your life meaning, and great expectation.. or you can put the pieces together later when they are revealed to you through future experiences in your life. It will be a long time before you even play with the idea of believing this, but God has a plan for your life Ashley. And make no mistake about it, the enemy has been after you, your life, and the plan since you took your first breath of air. And I know it is extremely hard for you to have faith in the end result when you can’t see passed the middle. But know this, all of the trials, experiences and attempts on your life – they wouldn’t exist if there were no great purpose for your existence. Personally speaking, I think you must be destined to do great and amazing things. Can’t tell you what they are, but there is some serious opposition to you being alive, and in your right mind from the powers and rulers of darkness. If it says nothing else to you, let it say this – There is a power and force to be reckoned with when it comes to your life. However, you will only experience minuscule pieces of this power until you completely yield yourself to Christ. And if you hear anything that I’ve said about what is to come, and what advice I can give you.. It is to yield. Surrender, Quit, Stop, Drop, and Roll. Tap Out, Raise your white flag, and call a fat lady to sing. You have to die to yourself. And you have to give it – A L L of it to Jesus. And while you think you are in the midst or have come out of some very trying and difficult times, I can tell you now that nothing else compares to the difficulty you will face in letting go and giving it all to God. Nothing. Wish I could say it’s going to be easy, but that would be a lie. It will be the hardest thing you ever do in your life, and takes time. Many will tell you where you’re supposed to be in your walk, what you’re supposed to be living like, doing, etc. The only thing I want you to judge your walk by is the unadulterated word of God, and the current date 365 days ago. Every day you are presently granted is 365 days more than you thought you might see. Have you changed? Are you different? Are you closer in your walk than you were then? Are the chains falling off? Are you freer than you were a year ago? Are you still thirsty? Are you thirstier? These are the criteria for assessing your walk. Not what someone tells you, preaches at you, or forces to you feel you should be. This is time spent with your Father. Only He and you can decide its course. Rest in that. Take comfort in that. It’s all that truly matters.