I had an epiphonetic moment this morning. I was thinking about how hard it is to move forward when you want to move forward but you can’t move. Or at least you feel like you can’t move. Like being under anesthesia, being fully awake and not in control of any of your faculties. You can see everything going on around you. Life, people, comparison, all moving at what looks like the speed of life while you lay motionless and unable to participate. It’s not that you don’t want to. you desperately want to. you want to be put in the game and you want to run the ball as far as you can get it. But your benched. Its hard thing to swallow when you know you should, and you beat yourself up constantly because you aren’t moving forward, you haven’t done this… and you’re not there yet. You’re here. Doing absolutely nothing. Spectating at your own life and the lives of others.
Comparison is the silent killer in these moments. Not only must you contend with yourself, and your own thought, you have to deal with what seems like the reality that life and everyone else are passing you by.
Then there’s the cry for help. We’re not even in touch with what’s really going on with us, so we ask for help the same ways that we always have. Attention seeking. Self -loathing and miserable Facebook posts that suggest that no one cares about you. Some even point blank say – you don’t care about me. But when the people come and they look, and they share the concern – you have nothing to say. You can’t even tell them what’s wrong and where to start. Because the fact of the matter is, you’ve always been here. And in this moment, neither one of us knows me and what’s wrong with me. Go figure.
The saddest thing for me is. The constant thought process. I’ve always been a thinker, I overthink. It’s probably ruining and saving my life all at the same time. But to have these logical thoughts, to be able to logically reason and understand what is happening. To take in the precepts and the concepts of whom Jesus Christ is and what role He plays in all this mess — to be able to spout out some of the most poignant, piercing realizations about this process and what it all means. Things that help other people go the distance. Things that help other people feel they’re not only not alone, but understood. Hope for tomorrow. And it means absolutely nothing for you. You can’t even speak that same word over yourself and it mean a thing.
N O T H I N G . What does it mean when The Lord uses you to speak to your own situation and your situation won’t receive it? When you’re completely numb to it. When it hits others and changes the atmosphere immediately. When the thought processes start to change. And it resonates with you on an intellectual level but does nothing for the inner recesses of your soul; the darkest parts of you that hurt the most.
it’s scary to think that you may never totally be free. Never out of the woods for good. That depression is something that goes into remission and rears its ugly head whenever it so chooses. That life will forever encompass this disease, this issue, this dark cloud. && For the rest of your life, all you can do is try and prepare for the rain.