This entire time, I thought it was me, but I’ve come to realize it was you… How could I ever blame myself for everything, when all I have ever done is react to what it is that you have been doing. Always blaming myself, denying myself, judging, comparing, hating myself, and it’s been you this entire time.
It’s always been you…
Bubbling up beneath the surface of everything. Whether it was guilt for having a simple human emotion, or deciding to do nothing because there are limits on my ability, my greatness, my purpose, my reason for even being. You’re always there inserting your opinions, strategies and your manipulation to get me to do what it is that you think I should do. Sneakily and underhandedly manipulating everything about me to position me right where you want me. Destroying, annihilating, and causing irreparable damage to the relationships and the people I once loved and held so dear. Causing a blindness and a darkness so deep, and so empty that the only thing to do was to dwell inside of it. Create a life, and a purpose, and a way of being inside this darkness because it has become home now..
Potential and purpose do not exist when I am with you. I exist to carry out your plans and your plans alone. And to think, I’ve always considered myself the selfish one. But what I see now is the label of selfish is designed to keep my hands tied. To confuse the thoughts and the actions that selflessness resonates from with doubt about the origin and intent of the deed. If you program me to believe that I am selfish, I will in return be selfish. Or, I will stifle the willingness, and the heart I have for helping others. There is no helping others with you. We serve one another’s purposes. You manipulate me. I feed into you. I give you life. And the life that could be saved, dies with silence you enforce upon me.
I don’t think you’ve ever considered the notion that I give you life. Without your schemes and mind games, manipulation, puppetry if you will – without those ploys of deception being successful, you have no life. Not with me anyway. You cannot carry out your plot against me and anyone else you are using me against, without me. I give you life. And this is where I do give you some credit. Because you are only fulfilling your purpose in being. You are doing what you are told. But the thing is, I know who sent you.. The only thing I am in the dark about with you is.. the way in which you will show up. And even then if I am honest, you are quite predictable. Every now and then you switch things up. Try something new if you will, something different that will have me enthralled and tangled up in my feelings about what It is you’ve done now – Allowing me to lose sight of you in the midst of the drama, the heartache, the despair and the depression. I stay low. I stay defeated. I stay blind. But there are a few truths about you that I am very clear on. I am aware that regardless of how you show up, you will show up. And the more that I ignore you, get along without you, the more I discredit you, and the more that I expose you for what you’ve been doing, the more you come. The harder you come. The craftier, more creative and intense you get. I expect that from you. Because you have a pattern. No matter how you switch things up, you
a l w a y s have a pattern.
I know you have limits. I know you are absolutely without a doubt going to try. You’re an overachiever like that. Or insane. You do know that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome don’t you? Anyway, back to the limits. You have limits. You push them, but you have them. Because I know for a fact that the One who sent you, has already told you what you cannot do. You may seek to, but you cannot kill me, you cannot destroy. You may defeat me, but you cannot extinguish my life. And yet, insert crafty, clever, repetitive desire to do it anyway. The interesting thing about our relationship is, no matter how much of me you may have, or think you have, you’ll never completely have me. There’s always someone drawing me away from you and back to them. There’s always something that is eventually going to swoop in and shine a light on all this darkness you and I have been in. There’s always hope that today is my last day with you. It’s a guarantee.
That’s why you are so afraid to let me go. Because as I stated before, I give you life. Once I am gone, you no longer can run the roughshod ploys, plots, or plans against me. Once I am free of you, you become exposed for everything that you been divisively doing all this time. Not only are you exposed, but the situations that you tore to pieces, the hearts that you broke, the damage that you caused – everything I am sure you were so proud of because you felt like it gave you a foot hold into this heart and this world.. I can get it all back. It’s only temporary! Everything you work so hard on to destroy to ensure blind stagnancy, I can get back.. And anything that isn’t worth taking back anymore, I can receive better! I can receive more, exceedingly, abundantly more than what you took from me. Somethings aren’t worth being restored, they are simply made new. My mind. You had it. You did a number on it. You wore it out. I don’t want it back in that condition, you can have that mind, because apart from you –there’s someone that promises me a renewed mind. That heart you broke, that you clouded with misjudgment, hate, turned to stone, and soiled. Yeah – I’m about to get a brand new clean one. So you more a less did me a favor… you took something that was already damaged, ripped to shreds and laid it to rest so that I could make room for a brand spanking, squeaky clean fresh new one. Even comes with new heart scent air freshener inside. And It will be as if you never stepped foot there.
Oh? You mad or nah? You big mad or little mad? I know you’re upset, and you will be so jealous of this clean heart that I am getting, that you’re going to try and destroy it too. Point out it’s flaws, I can hear you now. “You’re not supposed to feel like that in this brand new heart. If you really got you a new clean one, why would those feelings show up here.. maybe it’s not as clean as you thought. Maybe you didn’t really start over and nothing has changed.. I think you got played because everything in this heart is lookin’ real familiar right now..”
I hear you.. and you’re still wrong. I expect that from you. Before you would ALWAYS make me doubt the things contrary to your plans that flat out call you a liar. Everything looking moral, upright and in line with the light..you always come in and make me feel like I made it up in my mind… But now, I know that’s what you do, because you’re a hater. Point blank Period.
You have hidden me from myself far too long. You have made it so difficult for me to see beyond my imperfections that I have begun to loath the person that I am. You tried to start some kind of internal struggle or war for that matter, between who’s really in there, and what kind of person they are. You have exceeded expectations in this area, I have to say. You have made it difficult to not only receive compliments, well wishes, and positive thoughts, you have made it difficult to love and be loved in return. But! I get it. It is very difficult to manipulate a person that thinks highly of themselves based on who and where they came from. If I were to believe that I was created in the image of the One who knew me before I was a minute speck of DNA or dust, or a thought.. it might be impossible to tell me otherwise. If I believe that I am an heir to the throne of the King of Kings and The Lord of Lords, I might not have time to entertain you …always tryin’ to remind me of something I was or some old stuff I used to do. Always in my ear trying to convince me that because those things happened or that they exist, that they are on record and I can never stray from what is written. If I believed that every indiscretion, not so awesome, embarrassing, shameful, regretful, hideous thing about myself was placed as far away as the East is from the West – that I can walk around before other people like it never happened, even if they stood right there with me.. you might not be able to touch me. I might not even give you the time of day. You’re like bad door to door sales man trying to sell me some bootleg, rundown, out of date version of what I already have…trying to convince me that what’s old and familiar, classic even is more reliable and trustworthy than all this “brand new” being made over stuff. No shade, but no one is checking for the huge out of date, tacky, out of style, floor model tv when they’ve got plasma screens that look like you can walk up and touch someone hanging on the walls with no wires showing at that… You’re really starting to beat a dead horse with all of that. There’s nothing about that me back that has anything to do with who or what I am right now. The past doesn’t dictate what is to come, it doesn’t hold me hostage, it doesn’t mean I can’t change or be changed for that matter… it just was. That’s it. It was. It’s not today. It’s not tomorrow, it’s not 10 years from now. It just was. Let it go.
I know you’re trying to do that. I know you don’t want me to believe all things that He says about me. I get it. Because if I believed like He said I should, I could do even greater works than He did.. right now. Don’t even need to wait, don’t even need permission. I’m supposed to! So I get it. You don’t want what I think of myself to mirror what the Creator thinks of me, because I might just feel confident and endowed enough to tell someone else they’re not what they think of themselves either. Pretty soon, I’m going to believe it about me, then I’m gonna tell someone else, she’s gonna tell another person and before you know it.. There will be an entire army of us. Standing there. Believing in our purpose. Believing that we are called. That we are Holy. That we are righteous. That we are capable of destroying you….
So. I think I’ve been cordial up unto this point. We can do this one of one ways. You’re gonna go. You’ve overstayed your welcome, and frankly you’re a poor guest. You are no longer welcome here. There. Anywhere, In my heart, in my mind, in my finances, in my house, on my job, in my family, in my relationships, in my neighborhood, in my city, or in my country. Pretty much..you are banned from anything that has anything to do with me. And since I’m kinda connected to The Body of Christ, we’re kind of a big deal.. which kinda makes errybody of limits to you. Unfortunately for you, I am going to have to share my experience with everyone else. Kind of like the neighborhood watch, or best practices if you will. If I can tell them what to look for, If I can tell them how you get down, if I can point out some of your tricks, some of your silent but almost..not quite because you can’t..deadly plans… Than they can call you out before you even show up! So when you do show up, you’re expected. And we’ll wait for you. Be right there… Ready.
It’s all about being ready, and armed, and focused, and discerning. And that’s where you will find us. In the full armor of God. Waiting…
Wish I could say it’s been great, but I can’t so….