The fear laced life.

My life is laced with fear. Everyday. Intricately woven into the details of my everyday life and activities like a fine thread; noticed when focused on, and irrelevant when the mind is preoccupied. Fear. Everything I do is designed not to combat or overcome that fear, but to not feel the terror of experiencing the realizations of my fears. My superficial fears, my valid fears, and my made up fears all constantly running in the background like a process on an app that makes the program run.

Just like the apps on our phones, certain processes have to run in the background to make your apps work together, recall information, and give you the ability to access them quickly as you desire them. This is how you can press the home key and see every app window that is currently running, but not open. Such is my fear, running in the background, powering the various apps in my life. For example, work.  I don’t love working. I just don’t. But I work to be financially stable, to be fiscally responsible, and to make my ends meet. However, the field I am in is probably not the God given career I should be in. Will I ask God to reveal that to me and give me the courage to leap into the field He has chosen for me? Nope. Because I know what that field has to offer me and the money is less than I currently make. But because I fear financially instability, I work and work and push in a job that is neither satisfying, nor glorifying God. Fear. This fear powers my work app.

Fear of getting down to the heart of the matter and confronting things that have been burdening me all of my life. Fear of what it feels like to really experience the pain and emotions of those realizations. This powers my Sum to do app. Always going, doing, ripping and running here, there, and everywhere as a means of distraction. Convincing myself I am bored or complacent when it is pure avoidance. This fear powers my calendar and daily task app. Which conveniently runs with my work app.

Fear of inadequacy. My life is not enough. I am not enough, there is so much more to be gained. There’s better out there and this is what it looks like. I don’t measure up, I’m not a good mate because my relationship goals don’t match theirs, I can’t give a man what they can. My butt isn’t big like hers and she has lots of likes so that must be what they like, and I can’t afford a weave like hers with a mortgage like mine, and I need a waist trainer to get small like her and get likes from them.  But I am doing better than my peers from high school. The kids they had as teens are almost teens themselves, and she still don’t know who her baby daddy is. In fact, she had three more daddy less kids – and I can’t believe she still wearing them clothes from 12th grade, like seriously? This fear powers my social media apps – Facebook, Instagram, you know the things that occupy my time getting my mind of my circumstances by comparing them to everyone else’s and leaving a gaping hole in the satisfaction of my own life. Yet giving me false hope that as long as I am better than someone, I’m not too far off from someone that’s better than me.

These fears are running in the background of my life, and probably yours too. And just like my phone, when too many apps are running in the forefront, but especially in the background, they drain the battery. You may have closed all the apps and the windows but the processes are still running in the background, and before you know it, your battery has gone from 83% to 45% in a matter of an hour. Fear. Fear that you are allowing to fuel your life and its many aspects is draining your battery. You think you’re starting at 100%, but quickly as the apps continue to run, and the processes continue to work behind the scenes, energy from your battery is quietly drained. That fear is sucking the energy right out of your life, your will to live and live life abundantly. Fear is killing your battery.

But just like your phone there’s one way to shut the fear down- There’s a task manager. The task manager of our phones displays all the behind the scenes apps and processes that are installed, running, and disabled. You open that task manager and find yourself amazed at what apps are running that you didn’t even know about. It also shows you how much of the battery and memory that apps are taking up. There you have the option to end the processes, override the app and shut them down. We have a task manager ourselves – in our lives- God is our task manager. He knows exactly what fears we have, where they came from, and how they are currently operating in our lives.

He knows you won’t completely cut that man out of your life because he is your fall back plan. That you think nobody else wants you or is willing to put up with all that comes with you and your baggage so you keep him around for a safety net. God knows he ain’t good for you, never going to be good for you and has someone else for you to be with but your fear of being alone keeps you tethered to this miserable situation.

He knows that you run around sleeping with every woman that will give you the time of day to quiet that voice that tells you, you aren’t a man if you’re not knocking women down left and right. He knows you are afraid of commitment and responsibility because you don’t know how to handle it because you had no one to teach you how to be a man. He knows you won’t take care of your kids because you don’t know how and you don’t want to be your father so you just stay away.

He knows that you’re ornery, and hateful because you’re not comfortable accepting love because you’ve never had anyone to show you that kind of love and kindness, to make you feel loved, and wanted like you matter.

 Just like the task manager on your phone, if you go to Him and talk to Him about it, He can show you clear as day what you’re afraid of, what you’re running from, and hiding from. He knows what percent our battery is on and what we need to do to save our energy. He has the power to the shut the fear down, terminate the processes, and preserve what energy we have left.

All it takes is to open the task manager, and let it do what it’s designed to do. Just like taking our fears to God. God is designed to bring peace in the midst of the storm, to comfort the suffering, and to ease the troubled mind.  Instead, we try the small fixes that we think will eliminate our fears, when they really just mask them and make them bearable. We spend our lives ducking the realization of our fears, rather than submit them to the One with the powers to shut them down. We won’t address them head on or even ask God to renew our hope and faith and cast out our fears. We talk around them with Him like he doesn’t already know, or not at all. That’s like darkening our screens on our phones trying to save a couple percent of battery. Then we power off the wi-fi because we think it’s taking up most of the battery since all the programs are seemingly closed. In our minds we are doing everything we can to save the battery until we can get back to the charger – yet the battery continues to drain. But in Christ we don’t have to wait, we don’t have to scramble to save our battery life, and do different things in our own strength to try and preserve our power. We have God. God is the ultimate task manager willing to end every fear, every distraction, every preconceived notion we have about facing our fears, if only we would allow Him. If only we could worry about our hearts and our mind space as much as we worry about preserving the lives of the battery on our phone. Always looking to plug in, re-charge so it’s easily at our disposal when and how often we need it to be. Can you imagine what our lives would be like if we looked to God to silence fears and charge our batteries –  to calm our fears, soothe all of our doubts, and be concerned about that which concerns us? If we ran to God like we run to an outlet to be refilled, recharged and supplied with the energy needed to make it through the rest of the day.

There will be a time, just like with our phones that the batteries that fuel our lives, the strength we have to move throughout the day, to endure, to face, and to stand in the face of situations will begin to drain. It is a guarantee.